Victorian Humour
Compilation of Short Victorian Newspaper Articles
From the Scrapbook of George Burgess (1829-1905)
Transcripts from original newspaper articles: -
Purse Lost & Found
A man picked up a purse in the street, and advertised the fact. In ten days he was visited by sixty-one men, women, boys, and girls, all claiming to have lost the money. The sum was but eleven shillings, but of each visitor who called the finder asked: “So you lost fifty shillings, did you?”
Nine-tenths of the applicants replied, “Yes, sir.”
“Ah!” said he, “yours was another purse.”
Bride at Sea
BRIDE (on shipboard at sea): “I feel so sick, my dear, and if I should die and they bury me here you’ll sometimes come and plant flowers on my grave, won’t you?”
Two Woman Duel with Pistols
Two women recently had a duel in regular man style. The both fired at the word; one hit a boy who was climbing over the paling, and the other hit a calf in the field. Both having drawn blood they acknowledged that they had received satisfaction.
JOHNNIE
JOHNNIE, a bright boy of six years, while being dressed for school, observing his little over-coat much worse for wear and greatly in want of repair, turned quickly to his mother, and asked, “Ma, is pa rich?”
“Yes – very rich, Johnnie; he is worth two millions and a-half.”
“What in, ma?”
“Oh, he values you at one million, me at one million, and baby at a half-a-million!”
Johnnie, after thinking a moment: “Ma, tell pa to sell the baby and buy us some clothes.”
Excuse Not to Marry
HE: “My income is small, and perhaps it is cruel of me to take you from your father’s roof.”
SHE: “I don’t live on the roof.”
INDIGNANT HUSBAND:
“Now, I think this is going too far. You promised me that you would countermand your order for that dress.”
Meek and lovely wife: “I wrote to the firm that very day.”
“But here is the dress and the bill for it; enough to bankrupt me almost. How do you explain that?”
“I gave you the letter to post, and suppose that you forgot it, as usual.”
A STOCKBROKER
A stockbroker, returning to his office the other day after a substantial luncheon with a client said, complacently, to his head clerk:
“Mr Putkin, the world looks different to man when he has a bottle of champagne in him.”
“Yes, sir,” replied the clerk, significantly, “and he looks different to the world.”
IN A PHOTOGRAPHER’S GALLERY.
Customer (after looking at negative): “Not a single hair is shown on the head.”
Photographer: “No, for you are entirely bald.”
Customer: “Yes, I know that, but I intended to have my picture taken with a good crop of hair.”
Photographer: “What difference does it make?”
Customer: “Makes a great deal of difference. I am the manufacturer of the celebrated Never Fail hair restorer, and I want to put my picture on the bottle.”
Sisterly Love!
“So, Marie, you do not love me any longer?”
“No, Charles; your recent escapades have made a great change in my heart. I can hereafter be but a sister to you.”
“Only a sister, eh?”
“Yes, I’m sorry to say, only a sister.”
“A true sister?”
“Yes.”
“Well, then, lend me five shillings.”
THE RULING PASSION.
Husband: (rushing into the room) “Come out quick.”
Wife: “What’s the matter?”
“The house is on fire, and we will be burned to death if we hesitate a moment. Run, run for your life!”
“Yes, I’ll be out in a minute: I’ve got to tidy up the room a little so as it will look decent when the firemen get here.”
Passengers on Tram
Passenger (on tram car, alarmed): “Madam, do you feel a fit coming on?”
Madam (haughtily): “No, sir; I’m trying to find my pocket.”
Husband’s Excuse to Continue Smoking
“My dear husband,” said a devoted wife “why will you not leave off smoking? It is such an odious practice, and makes your breath smell so!”
“Yes,” replied the husband, “but only consider the time I have devoted and the money I have spent to learn to smoke. If I should leave off now, all that time and money would have been wasted, don’t you see?”
A Trial Relationship
“If I should tell you, dear,” he said, “that my love for you had grown cold; that I had ceased to care for you, and that the happy time when I shall claim you as my ownest own will never never be, would it really be a trial to you, darling?”
“Yes, George,” shyly admitted the girl, “it would be a breach of promise trial.”
Last Super of a Man Condemned to Marriage
“Have you heard the sad misfortune that has befallen our friend Jones?”
“No, What was the matter?”
“Why, only last night he joined us at supper, well and hearty as usual; and to-day, only six hours afterwards, he was married!”
Wisdom from Experience
“No, sir,” said a weary-looking man in a train to an individual by his side, “I wouldn’t marry the best woman alive” I’ve been a draper too long for that.”
A Man of Means
“Is Mr. Brown a man of means?” inquired a lady visitor of Aunt Betsy.
“Yes, I should think he was,” replied Aunt Betsy, “as everybody says he’s the meanest man in town.”
Bric-a-brac of a Gem
CHARLIE (showing his friends a piece of bric-a-brac): “There is a little gem that I got while abroad.”
Friend: “Where did you get it?”
Charlie (carelessly): “Oh, I picked it up in Florence.”
Friend: “You’re lucky. I’ve got the same thing, but I didn’t pick it up anywhere. I had to buy it, and it cost me four and sixpence.”
Dog Fashion Accessory
“WHATEVER have you done with that lovely little dog you used to have?” asked Miss de Lacy.
“Why, my dear,” was the confidential reply, “I had to exchange him at the dog fancier’s. He was a good pet, but he didn’t match at all with my new sealskin.”
The Marks of Being Christened
SUNDAY-SCHOOL TEACHER (who takes a class for the first time): “I wonder if you have all been christened?”
Small child (in a loud voice): “Oh, yes, teacher; I’ve got the marks on my arm now.”
A Steal of a Hat
“say, where you get dat new hat?”
“Why, at de shop, ob course.”
“What is de price ob such an article as dat?”
“I don’t know, I don’t know, de shopkeeper wasn’t dar!"
A Conceited Fellow
A conceited fellow, in introducing his friend into company, said –
“I assure you he is not so great a fool as he seems.”
The gentleman immediately replied, -
“That is exactly the difference between my friend and myself.”
Sweet Fly
THERE is a grocer up town who is so mean that he was seen to catch a fly off his counter, hold him by the hind legs, and look in the cracks of his feet to see if he hadn’t been stealing some of his best sugar.
The Weight of a Walking Stick
“I WILL not strike thee, bad man,” said a Quaker, one day; “but I will let this billet of wood fall on thee!” and at that precise moment the “bad man” was floored by the weight of a walking-stick that the Quaker was known to carry.
A Needy Friend
Here is what we consider a manifest improvement on the old story of the “friend in need” –
A friend in need is a friend indeed,
And this I’ve found most true;
But mine is such a needy friend.
Hatter in London
A HATTER in Regent Street, London, once asked Charles Mathews for an order for the theatre. He gave it to him, and the next day sent the hatter an order entitling the bearer to a hat. The hatter handed over the hat to the bearer, but ever after found it more economical to pay for his seat when he went to the show.
FRENCH Doctor
A FRENCH doctor being asked by a man one day to go to a distance to see his sick child, replied that it was too far to walk, and that he had no carriage.
“Oh,” said the man. “that doesn’t matter, I am a livery stable keeper and will drive you.”
Some time afterwards the doctor’s bill was asked for. It was five francs.
The livery stable keeper then presented his bill for hire of the carriage. It was six francs.
A JUDGMENT.
“Husband, do you believe in special judgments Providence upon individuals in this life?”
“Yes, my dear.”
“Do you indeed? Did one of the judgements happen to you?”
“Yes, love.”
“When was it, husband?”
“When I married you, my dear.”
A Lawyer at Rome and a Priest
A LAWYER at Rome asked a priest, “What is the difference between a priest and a donkey?” and, upon the latter giving it up, the lawyer replied, “The one wears the cross on his breast, and the other on his back.” “Very true,” said the priest, “but can you tell the difference between a lawyer and a donkey?” – “No, I cannot,” was the reply. “No more can I,” said the priest.
A LECTURER
A LECTURER, addressing a mechanics’ institute, contended with tiresome prolixity that “Art could not improve Nature,” until one of the audience, losing all patience, set the room in a roar by exclaiming, “How would you look without your wig?”
A MODEL LETTER.
The following letter is a perfect model in its way. We certainly hope it is an unique specimen: -
“Dear Brother, - I’ve got one of the handsomest farms in the State, and have it nearly paid for. Crops are good, and prices never were better. We have had a glorious revival of religion in our church, and both our children (the Lord be praised) are converted. Father got to be rather an incumbrance, and last week I took him to the poor-house.
Your affectionate brother.”
New York Daily Times.
A NEW REASON FOR MATRIMONY
An old toper was overheard the other day advising a young man to get married, “because then, my boy, you’ll have somebody to pull off your boots when you go home drunk.”
TAKING IT DIFFERENTLY
An indifferent actor, boring Garrick one day about his own acting of a part, said - "I think I struck out somebeauties in it." "I think," said Garrick, "you struck out all the beauties in it!".
A BACKSLIDER
Married, on Thursday, the 23rd ult., by the Rev. Clay Boulder, Mr. Andrew Horn to Miss Julia Parker, President of the Young Ladies’ Temperance Society*.
Fair Julia lived a temperate maid,
Preached temperance ditties night and morn;
But still her wicked neighbours said
She broke her pledge and took
by A. Horn.
Politician Boast
A POLITICIAN was boasting in a public speech, that he could bring an argument to a pint as quick as any other man. “You can bring a quart to a pint a good deal quicker,” replied an acquaintance.
New York Widows
“Why are there so many widows in New York?” asked some one of Aunt Betsey, who once lived there. “Because,” said she, “the men drink like violence, die off like raving destruction, and leave the poor women in screaming distress.”
A Wind Water Mill of an Orator
…. A windy orator in the New York legislature, after a lengthy effort, stopped for a drink of water.
“I rise,” said Bloss, “to a point of order.”
Everybody started; in wonder what the point of order was.
“What is it?” said the Speaker.
“I think, sir,” said Bloss, “It is out of order for a wind-mill to go by water.”
Awake or Asleep
When thou wakest, thou canst not tell whether thou shalt ever sleep again; nor lying down to sleep whether ever thou shalt awake; therefore, pray at thy up-rising, and pray at thy down-lying. –
Ambrosius.
A STUMP ORATOR
An Ohio stump orator, while making a speech, paused in the midst of it, and exclaimed, “Now, gentlemen, what do you think?” Instantly a man rose in the assembly, and, with one eye partially closed, modestly replied, “I think, sir, I do, indeed, sir – I think if you and I were to stump the country together we would tell more lies than any other two men in the country – sir, and I'd not say a word.”
TIPSY Customer
A TIPSY customer who was seated on the box with a stage driver, swayed backwards until he tumbled off. The mud was deep, and he felt soft.
“There now,” he exclaimed, “I know you would upset if you didn’t take care!”
On being told that he had not upset, he said, with amazement:
“Not upset: if I had known that I would not have got off!”
ALL OF A SIZE
Lawyer, to deaf witness: “Do you know plaintiff’s pigs?”
Witness: “Eh?” (very loud).
Lawyer (raising his voice): “Do-you-know-plaintiff’s pigs?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “How long have you known them?”
Witness: “Eh?”
Lawyer (louder still): “How long have you known them?”
Witness; “Fed ‘em all last spring”
Lawyer “Were they all about a size?
Witness: “Eh?”
Lawyer (rises on his feet petulantly, and shakes his fore-finger, at the conclusion of each word, at the witness): “Were-they-all-of-a-size?”
Witness: “Some ov ‘em wor, and some of ‘em worn’t!”
American Declaration of Independence
AMERICAN DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE. – A gentleman who had just returned from Arkansas heard the following conversation at a tavern: -
“Halloa, Boy!” –
“Halloa yourself!” –
“Can I get breakfast here?” –
“I don’t reckon you can.” –
“Why not?” –
Massa’s away, mistress’s drunk, the baby’s got colic, and I don’t care a darn for nobody!”
A Bachelor's scratch - A Love Spat!
Let a bachelor get a scratch upon his face and it is said he has been in on awful fight; but when a married man appears with two black eyes, a swollen face, and a severe head-ache, it is only said that he has fallen into a little “love spat.”
BE CAREFUL
Several anecdotes turn on that inexhaustible theme for merriment, the sorrows of matrimony. In passing through the streets a bier was struck against the corner of a house, and the corpse reanimated by the shock. Some years afterwards, when the woman died in good earnest, her husband called out to the bearers, “Pray, gentlemen, be careful in turning the corners.”
BEING LITERAL AS TO WIDOWS
At a recent meeting of a parish, a strait-laced and most exemplary curate submitted a report, in writing, of the destitute widows and others who stood in need of assistance from the parish. “Are you sure, reverend sir,” asked another solemn brother, “that you have embraced all the widows?” He said he believed he had.
In Other Words - Live a Clean Life
…. It is harder to avoid censure than to gain applause, for this may be done by one great or wise action in any age. But to escape ensure a man must pass his whole life without doing one ill for foolish action.
The Purity of Water
…. A man with a red face, and looking rather shabby called at a house in the country on Sunday, and asked for a drink of cider. The good lady of the house refused, telling him, that she would not. He urged, telling her that she had better, for some persons had entertained angels unawares.
“Yes,” said she, “I know that; but angels don’t go about drinking cider on Sunday.”
“How changeable the wind is!” said an old lady. “It is the changeablest thing I ever did see. When I, went up Washington Street, it was blowin’ in my face; and when I turned to go down, don’t you think it went blowin’ right on my…
Child and Mother
CHILD: “And you won’t give me a penny, mamma? Yet you always say you love me.”
MOTHER: “When you are older, dear, you will understand better how much I love you.”
Child (Disparagingly): “If you loved me so much, mamma, why didn’t you marry the sweet-shop man
A “fast” man undertook the task of teazing an eccentric preacher.
“Do you believe,” he said, “in the story of the prodigal son and the fattened calf?”
“Yes,” said the preacher.
“Well, then, was it a male or female calf that was killed?”
“A female,” promptly replied the divine.
“How do you know that?”
“Because (looking the interrogator steadily in the face) I see the male is alive now.
“Would you like to subscribe for Dickens’ Household Words*?” inquired a magazine agent.
“I guess not – household words have played the dickens with me long enough.
*Charles Dickens published Household Words between 1850 & 1859. For further reading visit Victorian Web
DISTANCE AGAINST TIME
“Gentlemen,” said an old Yorkshire horse-dealer, as he examined the points of a horse, “I don’t see but one reason why that mare can’t trot her mile in three minutes.”
Everybody gathered round to hear this oracular opinion; and one inquired “What is it?” –
“Why,” replied the old gentleman, “the distance is too great for so short a time.
A Foxy Lady
A LADY asked a minister whether a person might not be fond of dress and ornament without being proud. “Madam,” said the minister, “when you see a fox’s tail peeping out of the hole, you may be sure the fox is within.
Husband and Wife & Political Meeting
“Husband, I don’t know where that boy got his bad temper; I am sure not from me.” – “No, my dear, for I don’t find that you have lost any.
“That motion is out of order,” remarked the chairman of a political meeting to a rowdy who was raising his arm to throw a rotten egg at him".
Providence of Man & Woman
No doubt that Providence has willed that man should be the head of the human race, even as woman is its heart; that he should be its strength, and she its solace; that he should be its wisdom, and she its grace; that he should be its mind, its impetus, and its courage, and she its sentiment, its charm and its consolation.
Early Rising
I would inscribe on the curtains of your bed, and the walls of your chamber, if yo do not rise early, you can make progress in nothing; if you do not set apart your hours for reading, if you suffer yourself or any one else to break in upon them, your days will slip through your hands unprofitable and frivolous, and unenjoyed by yourself.
Lord Chatham
Gentleman and no Gentleman
The late Vicar of Sheffield, the Rev. Dr. Lutton, once said to the late Mr. Peech, veterinary surgeon:
“Mr. Peech, how is it that you have not called upon me for your account?”
“O,” said Mr. Peech, “I never ask a gentleman for money.”
“Indeed,” said the vicar; “then how do you get on if he don’t pay?”
“Why,” replied Mr. Peech. “after a certain time I conclude that he is not a gentleman, and then I ask him!”
Get Aboard the Steamboat
“WHAT are you doing with the lumber?” cried a steamboat captain to an Irishman, who was staggering towards the boat, beneath the weight of a huge plank, just as the bell was ringing for the last time. “What am I doing – sure, wasn’t it yerself as said, all ye’s as is going “get a board”, and isn’t this an illegant one intirely?” said the Hibernian triumphantly, amid the laughter of the spectators. The captain gave him his “board” and passage that trip.
GOOD ADVICE TO EVERYBODY
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care: -
Of whom you speak – to whom you speak,
And how – and when – and where.
A preacher stopped short in the pulpit: it was in vain that he scratched his head – nothing would come out. “My friends,” said he, as he walked quietly down the pulpit stairs – “my friends, I pity you; for you have lost a fine discourse.”
WELL AND SIMPLY SAID
Shelton, in one of his sermons, says: - “An upright is always easier than a recumbent posture, because it is more natural, and one part is better supported by another; so it is easier to be an honest man than a knave. It is also more graceful.”
Honourable Intentions
Griggs “See here, Slimley, a word with you before you go. You’ve been calling on my sister for three months, and I think it’s about time to ask your intentions.”
Slimley: “perfectly Honourable, Tom. She proposed to me to-night, and we’ll be married soon.”
OMNIBUS (Bus) stops
Omnibus stops; smiling young lady enters; every seat full; an old gentleman rises at the other end.
“Oh, don’t rise!” says the lovely girl. “I can just as well stand.”
“You can do just as you please about that, miss,” says the old man, “but I’m going to get out.”
HOGG’S TALES
Hogg, the Ettrick Shepherd, wrote some excellent tales. A lady once said to a countryman who filled the office of shepherd,
“Are you fond of Hogg’s Tales?” –
“Yes, I likes them roasted, wi’ salt on `em,” was the response.
“No – but I mean – have you read Hogg’s Tales?”
“Noa,” said the bumpkin, “our hogs are all white or black – I dosnt think there’s a red one among `em.
“Sir,” said a little blustering man to a religious opponent, “to what sect do you think I belong?”
“Well, I don’t exactly know,” replied the other, “but to judge from your size and appearance, I should think you belonged to a class called the insect.”
“What do you ask for this article?” Inquired Obadiah, of a young miss behind the counter.
“Fifteen shillings.”
“Aint you a little dear?”
“Why.” She replied, blushing, “all the young men tell me so.”
LOST - Two Golden Hours
LOST, somewhere between sunrise and sunset, two golden hours, each set with sixty diamond minutes, No reward is offered, for they are lost forever.
IN A BAD BOX
A man, pretty comfortably drunk, was holding on to a pose, when a friend inquired what was the matter?
“Matter,” said the fellow, “I am in a quandary.”
“What do you mean by a quandary,” asked his friend.
“Why, if I hold on here I shall freeze to death, and if I let go I shall fall into the dock.”
JEANNIE
“JEANNIE,” said a Cameronian, to his daughter, who was asking his consent to accompany her urgent and favoured suitor to the alter,
“Jeannie, it’s a very solemn thing to get married.” –
“I know it, father,” replied the sensible damsel, “but it’s a great deal solemner not to.”
LITTLE JOHNNY
LITTLE JOHNNY has been naughty, and has had to be sent from the table without having any dessert. For the last hour he has been sitting in a corner of the room crying. As last he thinks in time to stop.
“Well! I hope you have done crying now?” says his mother.
Johnny (in a passion): “I haven’t done. I’m only resting!”
YOUNG LADY
YOUNG LADY (said to maid):
“I heard somebody kiss you in the dark hall last night.”
Maid: “You got kissed too.”
“Yes, but that’s the young man to whom I am engaged to married. There is no harm in that.”
“I am glad to hear it. He was the young man you heard kissing me in the hall last night.”
Young lady faints.
LOGIC
A gentleman asked a country clergyman for the use of his pulpit for a young divine, a relation of his. “I really do not know,” said the clergyman, “how to refuse you; but if the young man should preach better than me, my congregation will be dissatisfied with me afterwards; and if he can preach worse, I don’t think he’s fit to preach at all.”
Victorian Lover
“Well, Annie, how did you get along with that stupid fool of a lover of yours? Did you succeed in getting rid of him?”
“O, yes! I got rid of him very easily. I married him and he is no lover now.” (Spoken in a modest manner.)
LOW WATER
A countryman seeing a vessel very heavily laden, and scarcely above the water’s edge, exclaimed: - “Upon my word, if the sea was but a bit higher, the ship would go to the bottom!”
Servant Girl
…. A servant girl, on leaving her place, was accosted by her master as to her reasons for leaving.
“Mistress is so quick tempered that I cannot live with her,” said the girl.
“Well,” said the gentleman, “you know it is no sooner begun than it is over.”
“Yes, sir, and no sooner over than it is begun.”
Female School Teacher
…. A female school teacher in her advertisement, stated that she was complete mistress of her own tongue. “If that’s the case,” said a caustic old bachelor, “she can’t ask too much for her services.”
A Musical Character Witness
…. “What do you think of the defendant, Mr. Thomson? Do you consider him a very good musician?”
“On that point I wish to speak with great care. I don’t wish to intimate that Mr. Van Slop is not a good musician. Not at all. All I wish to say is this: The day after he commenced on the clarinet a saw filer who lived next door, left home, and has never since been heard of.”
“That will do, Mr Thomson. Call the next witness.”
The Cattiness of Men
…. Some men are like cats. You may stroke their fur the right way for years, and hear nothing but purring; but accidentally tread on the tail, and all memory of former kindness is at once obliterated.
I Wonder What Has Become of the Snuffers!
“I wonder what has become of the snuffers!” said Mrs Johnston. “I have been looking for them all the evening, and can’t find them high or low.”
Nobody could give any information. After a while, her tired Dutchman of a husband, getting sleepy, commenced pulling off his boots, preparatory to going to bed.
“All dis day,” said he, “I tink I got som little grabble stones in my poot. I kess I ket `em out now.” He turned up his boot, and poured out the snuffers.–
American Paper
MATRIMONIAL BREEZE
– “Arrah, Pat, and why did I marry ye, just toll me that, for its myself that’s had to maintain ye ever since the blesses day that Father O’Flannagan sent me home to yer house?” –
“Swate jewell,” replied pat, not relishing the charge, “and its myself that hopes I may live to see the day when ye’re a widow, wapeing over the cooled sod that covers me – then I’ll see how ye get along without me, honey.”
A POOR MAN’S COMFORT
– It is a blessed thing for a poor man to have a contented wife; one who will not wish to live in a style beyond her husband’s income just because her next-door neighbour does, one who can be happy in the love of her husband, her home, and its beautiful duties, without asking the world for its smiles or its favour.
Men are Like Bugles
– the more brass they contain the farther you can hear them. Women are like tulips – the more modest and retired they appear, the better you love them.
American paper.
New Gentlemen
“New, gentlemen,” said a nobleman to his guests on one occasion, as the ladies left the room, “let us understand each other – are we to drink like men, or like brutes?” The guests, somewhat indignant, exclaimed, “Like men, of course.” – “Then,” replied he, “we are going to get jolly drunk, for brutes never drink more than they want.”
An Old Bachelor Geologist
An old-bachelor geologist was boasting that every rock was as familiar to him as the alphabet. A lady declared that she knew of a rock of which he was ignorant. “Name it, madam,” said he. – “It is rock the cradle, sir,” replied the lady.
The Best Ship
THE BEST SHIP TO HAVE COMMAND OF - FRENDSHIP
(Diogenes)
NICE MEDIUM
– An enthusiastic believer was relating to a sceptic certain spiritual performances to which he could testify, and among other things, he said that on one occasion the spirit of his wife, who had been dead several years, returned to him, and seating herself upon his knee, put her arm round him and kissed him, much to his gratification, as she used to do when living. –
“You do not mean to say,” remarked the sceptic, “that the spirit of your wife really embraced you and kissed you?” –
“No, not exactly that,” replied the narrator, “but her spirit took possession of a female medium, and through her, embrace and kissed me!”
PUBLIC WANTS.
Immediate and decisive answers are wanted to the following questions: -
How to gain a reputation for talent in your native town?
How to give advice or to argue with a fool?
How to borrow money on the plea of extreme poverty?
How to get long credit of tradesmen, if they generally see you in shabby clothes.
How to make your children tell fibs for you, and not teach them to tell fibs for themselves?
How to make evasive excuses without incurring the guilt of lying?
How to screw down a mechanic below the fair living prices of a job, and not at the end cheat yourself.
AFFECTION IN MAN AND WOMAN
– Women are said to have stronger attachments than men. It is not so. Strength of attachment is evinced in little things. A man is often attached to an old hat; but did you ever know of a woman having an attachment for an old bonnet? –
Punch.
…. An Irishman called on a lady and gentleman, in whose employ he was, for the purpose of getting some tea and tobacco.
“I had a dhrame last night, yer honor.”
“What was it Pat?”
“Why, I dhramed that your honor made a present of a plug of tobaccy, and her ladyship there – Heaven bless her: - gave me some tea for the good wife”
“Ah! Pat, dreams go by contraries, as you well know?”
“Faith and they do that,” said, Pat, without the least hesitation, “so yer ladyship is to give me the tobaccy, and his honor the tay.”
SHORTS
THE GOLDEN “CALF.” – A stocking full of money.
Transported for life – the man that marries happily.
“Patrick, where is Bridget?” “Indade, ma’am, she’s fat asleep lookin’ at the bread bakin’.”
SELF-DENIAL. – Looking out of the first floor window, and informing the tax-gatherer that you are not at home.
India-rubber gloves are capital things for those who wish to wash themselves without wetting their hands.
“We must reconcile ourselves to our enemies when we are dying,” as an old toper remarked when he called for a glass of water.
Why is a bottle of anchovies like a young man angry with his laundress? – because it’s adulterated with false colours (adult irated with false collars).
THE SPREADING OF A REPORT
– The servant at No. 1 told the servant at No. 2, that her master expected his old friends, the Bayleys, to pay him a visit at Christmas; and
No. 2 told No. 3 that No. 1 expected the Bailies in the house every day; and
No. 3 told No. 4 that it was all up with No. 1, for they couldn’t keep the bailiffs out;
Whereupon No. 4 told No. 5 that the officers were after No. 1, and that it was as much as he could do to prevent himself from being taken in execution, and that it was killing his poor dear wife;
…..and so it went on increasing and increasing, until it got to No. 33 where it was reported that the detective police had taken up the gentle man who lives at No. 1, for killing his poor dear wife with arsenic, and it was confidently hoped and expected that he would be executed at Horsemonger Lane Gaol, as the facts of the case were very clear against him.
Two Friends
…. Two friends met after a long absence – one had waxed fat, the other lean.
“Why,” said the first, “you look as if you had not had a dinner since I was you last.”
“And you,” replied the other, “look as if you had been at dinner ever since.”
Truth and Idleness
“There! Leave the entrenchment, and go tell the captain you are the idlest rascal in the regiment.”
“Plaise yer reverence an’ honor,” replied the soldier thus addressed, “plaise yer reverence, ye would not have me go with a lie in my mouth.”
A Keen Rebuke
A man who forbade his servant girl (who belonged to the same church with himself) going in and out of the front door of the house was quietly asked by the girl if he supposed they would enter Heaven by separate doors.
Boiling Water
…. “Why does water boil sooner in an old saucepan than a new one?”
Punch takes it upon himself to answer this abstruse query, by saying, “it’s because the old un’s used to it.
Shopping
“When I goes a shopping,” said an old lady, “I allers asks for what I wants, and if they have it, and it’s suitable, and I feel inclined to take it, and it’s cheap, and it can’t be got at any place for less, I almost allers take it, without chaffering about it all day, as most people do.”
